Singapore's Sunday Footballers
Presenting a critical exegesis of Sunday footballers already stalking a street-soccer court near you.
A fearless and fearsome competitor, this specimen is the first to any scramble or melee, in most instances the triumphant boot amongst a sea of flailing arms and legs. Braveheart has been known to frequently lunge at raised boots with his forehead, and will happily stick his face or family jewels in the path of 100km/h footballs in a valiant effort to protect the goalmouth.
An individual with the unendearing trait of actively apologising for every aspect of his performance, The Apologist will corner teammates one by one to demonstrate his contrition for the imperfectly weighted pass, the lack of height on his corner kick, and his tardiness in getting back to help defend that unstoppable 20 metre scorcher. The Apologist is distinguishable as the only one in the team who isn't saying 'Go away'.
Distinguished by his towering frame and less than graceful lumbering style, The Cupboard spends the better part of the afternoon trying not to trip over his opponents' or his own feet. Immediately recognizable through his tendency to allow balls to bounce off his shins or knees whilst attempting to control it, The Cupboard has the further habit of clattering unintentionally into opponents and teammates, as well as the misfortune of falling on his posterior by accidentally treading on the ball.
The self appointed motivator, manager and inspirational leader of the team. While his teammates sit at the sidelines awaiting their turn over a cigarette and some idle banter, The General may be observed in a corner sullenly practising his juggling or ball control. Unspeakably passionate about the game, The General is an emotional commander, and takes bad football as a personal affront, often dashing to and fro to chide beleaguered teammates over sloppy touches, or for shooting when they ought to have passed. Does not play well with Virtuosos (see below).
A solitary creature by definition, The Virtuoso always fancies his chances in spite of seemingly insurmountable odds. Characterized by a reluctance or refusal to pass the ball, as well as the penchant for ignoring the supporting runs or cries of teammates, The Virtuoso is also compulsively drawn to turning in unnecessary circles and feinting imaginary opponents with eloquent step-overs and shoulder jinks.
This footballer suffers from a malaise produced by excessive exposure to the commentary of Shabby Singh. The Theorist saunters about with his finger in the air, imploring teammates to 'keep a tight back line', 'play it on the ground', or 'press the opponent'. One of the least popular figures on any given street-soccer court, The Theorist generally expends his cache of energy by talking non-stop, and often has to be substituted early on. The Theorist may also, for no discernible reason, be occasionally found muttering 'Yes John' to no-one in particular.
An individual most players try to avoid, The Antagonist is usually a temperate creature, until the intolerably hot climate, bad form or useless teammates begin to nudge his irritability. The Antagonist adopts a steely gaze, and is on a sharp lookout for the next unfortunate chap who accidentally clips his ankles, or who wins the ball off him unfairly. This character is well known for the phrases 'You want to try me?', 'What the fuck was that?', and the time-honoured 'You got problem issit?'